2017: A Memoir

2017 was a weird year for me.

I spent most of it thinking about getting away from the present, and when I finally did the only thing I could think of was going back. I took relationships for granted and drove full force down the road of selfishness. I acted like I had everything under control when deep down I was a broken mess. 2017 was a very weird year for me.

I started off the year getting high on my own supply. I wasn’t literally doing drugs, but I was doing lines of my own ideas. I had a sense that my consciousness was more important than those opposite of me, and I refused to see the flaws in that. I couldn’t let anything in but I was determined to have everything heard. I would love to blame this on the most recent presidential election, but this isn’t a political post (and unfortunately I can’t blame everything on President Trump). I soon figured out that I was running in place and not getting anywhere, so I desperately tried to take a breath.

Unfortunately it’s hard to breathe when you feel like you are suffocating. I found myself royally unhappy in the town that I was in, even though I was surrounded by some of the world’s most beautiful people. I blamed every bad thought, every mistake, and every fear  on them, and for those few short moments it made life easier. I used those excuses to formulate an escape, and I used that escape to run away from all of my problems. I ran across the country to the “City of Dreams” where I believed I would find a solution.

The months that followed were the hardest of my life. I battled more than loneliness and fear. I battled myself. I questioned every decision that I made and I hated every thought that I had. I longed for the friendships that I left behind and I was petrified at the idea of finding new ones. I questioned reality and lost myself in my own thoughts. I had built up this facade of self confidence and once I was alone it came crashing down. I was confident that I was going to burn out quicker than Aunt Janet’s cigarette.

When I thought all hope was lost, when the last few embers were trickling down, I found myself. I got a job that meant something to me. I wrote things that meant something to me. I made relationships and reached out to people that meant something to me. I realized that running away from your problems doesn’t mean that you actually escape them. I found humility and love and the true meaning of relationships. I found beauty in the nightmare that was 2017.

I am three thousand miles away from all of my family and friends. I am working constantly towards things that may never work out. Sometimes I am alone in a world of seven billion people and it is the scariest thing I have ever done, but it’s real.

2017 was a weird year for me. Thankfully.

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