I don’t have any good excuses.
I haven’t posted a journal and over a month and I’m sorry for letting you all down (and by all of you I mean my mom, because she is the only one that reads these). This past month has been one of the busiest and most stressful months in recent memory. I spent a week in Colorado, which was followed directly by a friend visiting in LA, followed by Black Friday and what is largely considered the worst week for retail employees. All of those are just poor excuses of course, because I have had plenty of free time at home that I have wasted on something else (I’m talking about you Skyrim VR). In the past month I have opened my laptop maybe a total of ten times, and that was mostly just to pay bills. I usually open my laptop more times than that in one day, so you can see how this has been a weird month for me.
The truth is I have been exhausted. Not just physically exhausted, but mentally and emotionally exhausted as well. Living in Los Angeles has taken a lot out of me and has tried its best to tear me apart. The distance between family and friends has taken a toll on my heart. Due to the separation from my normal support I have been forced to output my emotions in different ways, which has led to me keeping a lot of things bottled up (unhealthy I know, that’s why I am addressing it). Due to the already present physical exhaustion and the new wave of emotional exhaustion, my mental health has not been where it should be. This has caused me to spend a lot less time on my work and a lot more time on escaping (With video games mom, not with drugs).
I am guilty of always over-thinking everything, because of this I am always looking way too deeply into every situation that I am in. This constantly causes me to question the choices that I make and if they are the right ones. Imagine going to an ice cream shop and ordering ice cream. As they are making the ice cream you are asking yourself if you made the right choice, maybe the chocolate chip was better, you have always been a fan of Oreo’s, your best friend said that Rocky Road was the best thing he ever had, what if I’m missing out on the flavor of a lifetime because I’m comfortable with Reese’s Pieces? That is how my mind works in almost every situation, so by the end of the day my brain is typically swarming with questions that I just want to drown out. In those moments sometimes the last thing that I want to do is write because the idea of embracing those thoughts terrifies me, so I turn to something else to escape it.
Although this past month has been draining and has caused me to question my entire existence it has also been one of the most eye-opening experiences. I don’t know if I will stay in Los Angeles, but it has taught me more about myself than I ever could have learned back home. I would go through this past month over and over again if it meant I would learn more about who I was, because finding yourself is what all of this is about isn’t it? Let’s not get too philosophical.
What a beautiful life.