I hate dating.
First dates in particular are more of a talent show than a date. Each party spends the entirety of the date trying to put on a show in order to impress the other. It’s typically an awkward mess that doesn’t make it past the first round of judging (like when that guy tried to sing “Swing Low Sweet Chariot” on American Idol). I’m not really a fan of talent shows.
Dating websites/apps were originally considered to be the last resort to the dating community. People often resorted to these as a “last ditch” effort to find the “love of their life.” They have now become one of the most popular ways to find a date (or more commonly a one night stand). Apps like Tinder and Bumble have made it possible to meet people without the stressful work of actually meeting them. I have both of these apps.
I sometimes like to swipe through the variety of different contestants that the apps have to offer. Usually this ends in boredom or disgust which results in a short hiatus from the dating app world. Occasionally I put the five perfectly lit photos and baiting bio aside and I actually go out with someone. This usually doesn’t end in anything more than a story, but they are always interesting stories nonetheless. Today was one of those stories.
I recently met a girl on Bumble and after a week of spread out messages we decided to hang out. I use the term hang out because what we did was the farthest thing from dating I have ever experienced. Since I told her to pick everything we were going to do that day I had no idea what was on the evenings itinerary.
The majority of the date was spent in Griffith Park. When I think of Griffith Park my mind usually wanders to the Observatory, or the millions of trails behind it. This is not where we ventured to on this Thursday evening. We instead spent a number of hours on a playground near the outskirts of the park, surrounded by about twenty small children. This would typically seem like a strange place for two twenty-somethings to hang out, but being that I am a child in a mans body it worked for me. I will never be the person to complain about swinging on a swing-set.
The next part of our illustrious evening took place in the living room of her surprisingly large apartment. At this point most normal people would find this a prime opportunity to “make a move”. I however see this as a prime opportunity to play Nintendo 64, which is exactly what we did. Not much is better than two hours of intense Pokemon battles on Pokemon Stadium. I am a twelve year old.
We ended the night at the bar with a couple of her friends, and it was as awkward as expected. Typically the awkwardness would come from the fact that we are going out with her friends on the first date, but I am pretty good at faking being an extrovert. Instead the awkwardness came from the fact that she was on a customer service call for the entirety of the night. Not just any customer service call, but a customer service call for the Squat Magic she just ordered. Please go look up Squat Magic and you will understand my pain.
I left before the night could progress any farther because honestly once you play Pokemon Stadium it’s all down hill from there, and the Squat Magic was just the beginning. Although the majority of the evening was entertaining there will be no second date. I am rarely attracted to people and I’m almost never interested in pursuing anything more than a Pokemon opponent, but more on that later. I’ll spend the rest of my night with Netflix, my true love.
Side Note: She had heterochormia (two different colored eyes), and that deserves some form of acknowledgement.